(via icanread)
I have not written on this thing for a really long time. I think that my last post probably said that too. Sometimes life just takes up all the time you would normally have to blog, tweet, fb status update or whatever it might be. I can definitely say that I havent had the energy in my to write much of anything, my physical journal has been blank for the most of this year too. Which is really sad for someone like me who has a terrible memory. If I don’t write the bulk of things that happen in my daily life down, I will just forget them as if it never happened. James and I could not even remember what we did for our 1 year anniversary earlier this year. Haha, oh man we are quite a pair.
I want to start writing again more, who knows if that will actually happen but god knows I need some sort of release - I need somewhere to put some of the millions of tiny thoughts that are swimming around in the sea of my head.
This past week I have been to see my dear friend Ashlyn in the hospital several times. Ashlyn is nearly 20 years old and has Lyme’s disease - weird right? I had never heard of anyone having it until her.
So, this past year I didn’t really get to see her at all, which made me very sad and all I really knew about this sickness of hers is that it was worsening and that she was not getting better. About 3 1/2 maybe 4 weeks ago Ashlyn had a cardiac arrest and was taken to the hospital and induced into a coma to protect her brain while her body tried to endure the massive blow to its system. I began praying so hard that I would get the opportunity to go visit her and last Saturday morning I got a text from her mother. I was at the hospital the next day.
I can honestly say, that I have never seen someone so sick in my whole life. My dearest little baby sister Ashlyn, the once bouncy, energetic, silly, fun loving, stubborn ( I mean that in such a good way) and happy young girl that was loved so much by everyone around her has been reduced to a tiny, stick-like frail body. Her eyes lay half open, she was in a coma but it was not like what you would think, the movies show us people in a deep sleep. It wasnt like that at all. I approached the bed and placed my face really close to hers. My eyes in front of hers staring intently and searching for the girl I knew. “Ashlyn can smile and she can cry” said her Mother Kelly (this woman is a saint by the way). A small tear broke from her left eye and fell slowly down her cheek. I will never forget that moment for the rest of my life. If I had to give away every memory of everything I have ever experience and only keep one - that would be the one I would keep. Words fail to describe the privilege and love I felt in that moment.
I have been gathering as many spare moments as possible these past few weeks - to step away from whatever is going on at the moment and do some more research on Lyme. It’s a very complicated thing, and its difficult to wrap your brain around how such a small being can carry such a lethal disease. My heart aches, I just want to do something.
This is Ashlyn, a few years before she got sick. Please keep her in your prayers.
When such a love is birthed as this
What am I left to do
But stand aback and wonder in awe
Of the existence of I and you
I’ve dreamt dreams that before I wouldn’t dare to dream
And see in ours new things I once forbade myself to see
For I feared the end before there was yet a start
I spent the rising and fallings building an iron gate ‘round my heart
But once a rising came, the beams of the sun shone on your face
I was enlightened then that the triumph to this story was mother grace
For a love such as this is impossible to deserve, yet still further
Impossible to earn
For a thousand lifetimes of righteous works
And a sea filled with blameless hearts
Would still not equate one to be worthy
Of such a love
Today I woke up with energy and surprisingly did not want to vomit. Thank God. Thank God for grace and the energy I need to move forward on this thing. Just four more days.
I think I can do it. I know that I will.
I have been reading and listening to all these encouraging stories and books about building a story and making a difference and its all been very inspiring but these authors and thought share-ers never fail to mention how tough the actual work is.
We are all living a story.
What kind of story are you living? What kind am I? We as people love to have accomplished, writers love to have written, musicians love to have created wonderful works of music. But how many of us love the work involved? The long treturous hours it takes to get there? Not many people that I know at least… unless you are a masochist of some sort… or unless you found some magical key to the universe that I am yet to be aware of. If that is you and you have the magical key, please tell me about where I can purchase one.
I will say though that I have some sort of joy almost, having looked back on yesterday and thinking about how miserable I was… and I was miserable, If you know me you know I was because I told you. I told anyone that would let me tell them because I needed encouragement. I needed to be told that I can get through this, and those of you who I spoke to did encourage me and thank you so much because it was what got me through. I have joy now because I am glad that I overcame my body. I decided that I was going to control it instead of it control me.
This all may seem very dramatic for one day of pain… but I felt so low, I cant describe to you the defeat. In the battle of my body vs. me… in the sense of letting my cravings and laziness take over my life… I have always let it win. I never really have over come it. I have not thought it possible, and even though I am still not sure that it is possible for me I am going to choose to believe it is.
So on with the story.
To have a story you need 1. Want Something 2. Imagine a climatic scene ( you accomplishing your goal or getting what you want etc. ) and 3. Create and inciting incident (this is something in a story that forces a character to move, forces them to push through conflict)
A story is when there is a character who wants something and overcomes conflict to get it.
So far in this particular story I know what it is I want… I want to be healthy and happy with my self physically. So now I just need to imagine a climatic scene… and think of something that will help me turn a simple goal of just “loosing weight” into a story.
I gotta keep thinking on this one…
Also, this is just one tiny story. I have about 5 or more other stories I want to create this year… but for those I need to figure out what it is that I want. Sometimes thats a harder question to answer than you might think.
If all of this rambling makes no sense to you check out this blog and read this guys’ book… he is amazing: http://donmilleris.com/
head shaking going on these days.
far too much confusion.
things are whirling out of control.
time to hold on for the ride i guess :)
laura and mallory i love you.
we’ll make it through all these funny/awkward/tiring/sometimes awful seasons together.
i guess deep deep down i dont really feel that way. but right now its nice to look at it that way because im cranky about it.
hhaaha.
i couldnt have said it better myself.
(by im-perfectionist)
tr.v. dis·en·chant·ed, dis·en·chant·ing, dis·en·chants
To free from illusion or false belief; undeceive.
DAMN is more like it.
skysignal:homecoming:(via panda-bear)
DANG